post-Sex and the City cum return to the blogging world entry

Woman. I have always tried to picture myself 10years from now. And every time I do, I see very different pictures of myself. What do I want to achieve? What do I want to get from life? What do I want to be? Woman.

It was the usual girls’ day out yesterday. We went to school for registration and then sneaked out for a quick lunch, some shopping, and Sex and the City which we’ve planned on watching since it started filming. Before we left school, Aaron (UP Law B2010 president-turned-LSG PRO-turned-RegComm minion-harhar! Peace!) asked why we HAD to go and watch SATC, “What’s with Sex and the City that all girls want to watch it? I don’t get it.” I just said, “Because.” End of conversation. Off we went.

The movie was as expected, fashion forward, irritatingly witty, and simply sexy – never mind the reckless cuts all throughout the movie thanks to MTRCB. It was one of those times I cherished being a girl with my girlfriends giggling and tugging at each others’ tops during points in the movie wherein which we felt we can relate.

But really…what’s with Sex and the City that gazillions of girls feel they NEED to watch it?
Because I had so much fun today, because until now I feel so like Miranda, and because Mr. PRO got me thinking in varied depths of reasoning, I think I’ll give his question a shot. Hopefully I’ll be able to give him the answer he’s looking for, and if he isn’t looking for any, an answer that would give him peace of mind. J

Sex and the City started making waves on the tube in the late-late 90’s until they ended with 6 Seasons in 2004 or 2006 (i'm having a hard time remembering). Here in the Philippines, the take off was kind of slower of course compared to that in the States. But during mid-series, more and more women, age ranging from 16, who if I daresay must’ve gotten hooked because of all the glitzy outfits of Carrie, to the late 40’s and 50’s, who finally found liberation and some sense of familiarity and connection. But as we geared towards a new decade, I would like to believe that Sex and the City did not just bring about swooning fanatics among Filipino women, but more importantly, a female breed who have realized, THANK GOD, what they want to be in life – a domestic goddess or a finance and marketing hotshot or a high fashion lady justice, and that they can achieve it, they can get it, they can finally find their place and be happy.

I take offense when people, obviously those who haven’t watched a single ep of SATC, think and sometimes even out loud, that this hit is a no-brainer-devoid-of-any-social-political-intellectual-and-all-the-al’s-value. I say no, it’s not. And being an incoming third year law student, not that I’m being too upfront about it, this POV certainly doesn’t come from that ditzy stereotype. I mean, yeah of course, who wouldn’t want to see those big closets filled with Manolos, Jimmy Choos, LV’s, Prada, and Gucci, and Vera Wangs, and Carlos dela Rentas – okay enough. But it’s more than that. It may not be bigger than life, but at least it’s real. SATC has aroused more contemplation, and provocative discourse for me than any, I don’t know, say, epic tale has.
Seriously, you watch Troy and say oh wow great body, great moves, and then what? You just go on and on about the great Greek hero, his great fleet, his great armor, and his greatness (sarcasm seeping!). With SATC, I get involved. Much. I admit, sometimes it’s just in this OMG-I-like-those-shoes kind of “involved”. But more often, it’s the same kind as when I get infuriated with a father who rapes his 3-year old daughter, or a husband who beats his pregnant wife, or when a government official circumvents legal procedures to get ahead, or, you know, reckless motorcycles all over the metro. The same kind as when I get all warm hearted when I see families dining and laughing together, brothers and sisters poking fun at each other, or a mother and her new born baby snuggling close while they try to sleep during the wee hours of the morning. Then I also try to break my bubble and be realistic about it like, hey they live in New York so it’s a totally different world altogether. But at the end of the day, it all boils down to one thing: I get involved because of my being a woman.

I fear I’m going on the loops here. For pain-free reading, what I’m trying to say is:

One, SATC, has empowered women if not in the grandest manner, the subtlest way possible. Now, even moms who stay at home know their worth, and know that they can demand.

Two, it gave women the chance to dream big. And this is important because settling with mediocrity is the beginning of unfulfilled wants and needs essential to the well-being of every woman. Like, I’m going to settle with this guy even if he doesn’t treat me right because I think I wouldn’t find anyone better. Or I’m going to settle with my lousy job even if I get intellectually stunted because, life is difficult nowadays I don’t want to risk my stable income. Or I’m going to settle, just because. Gone are those days.

And three, it gave women these four heroines, who, no matter what stage in their lives they are in, no matter what status they are in, no matter what profession they opt to be passionate about, no matter what kind of guy they’re dating, how many children they have, where they live, what they wear, what course they took in college, what kind of car they’re driving…assure them that everything will fall into place if you make it happen, and that you’d come out of every situation alive with an adage in your name, a lesson learnt, an intact moral backbone, grace that comes from strength, and relationships that are built to last for a lifetime.

It’s a salute to all the women, a celebration of all our achievements nobody dared to think we can, and a testimony to our strength and all the good things we can become.

Again, I pictured myself 10 years from now, what I saw was someone wearing a crisp white collared shirt, a grey pencil-cut skirt, black pointy stilettos, lugging a huge structured LV with tons of files in it while getting out of a black BMW X5-type of SUV. I don’t know what I was doing; maybe I’m a lawyer already or maybe not. And that’s just the picture I saw, for now. Tomorrow, I’m sure it’s going to be a different one, like maybe I’m going to be wearing red pumps instead of black ones, just for a kick. But just the same, I’ll be the woman I’ve always wanted to become.


P.S. Dear Aaron, like what I said, I dedicate this to you and the countless males who are still scratching their heads, even prolly after they read this. I appreciate the interest (or maybe you’re just bored or obliged or whatever). But really, I think you’ll have fun too watching it, and if you don’t, then I won’t argue anymore. :)

guess who! haha!

so hate her! i so hate her. really. i really really hate HER!

thank you.sorry.goodbye.

I thought this one would be easy. But it wasn’t. The first time we met, I knew that he was a heartbreak waiting to happen. I said to myself, “nah, playtime it is.” For months, I’ve been able to maintain that kind of relationship with him. But the longer the time I spent with him, the more I saw beyond what was supposed to be playing and fooling around. I fell.
Now, after also months of being unsure of how I’m going to be able to deal with this shit, I’ve finally realized that there is no “way.” Just like anything else with me, I’d just let it fade, and let time strip from me all the feelings that I have. There are more important things in my life than dealing with a broken heart. I know there will come a time when I won’t be able to escape from things like this. But at this point, I can’t afford to wallow and think of what could have’s and what might have been’s. Besides, maybe there aren’t any. I should start looking at it straightforward, maybe there’s nothing more to it than meets the eye. Maybe there is. I would never know would I? But this way, I’ll be saving myself from all the drama and the hurting. Well, not really, but at least I’d be able to attain some self-preservation. I think I’ve done all that my capacity would allow me in caring for and maybe even loving him. And maybe he doesn’t know that, or he’s also tired of waiting, or maybe just sick of the person that I am to him. Again, I wouldn’t know. I’ve looked into the risks, it’s not worth it. Happiness for a week won’t afford me to slack with my other priorities. I know it’s kind of cynical, but it’s just who I am, and it’s just how I’m built. If he can’t deal with it, what’s the point of me killing myself over sleepless nights, tears that won’t fall, and music piercing days? At the end of it, I say he also could have done something. A girl can only do so much.

I won’t deny the myriad of feelings that I have for him, mostly pleasant ones. But as much as I don’t want to deprive myself of happiness, in a wrong way, I also don’t want to strip myself of a simple and quiet life without him. I’ve gone through a lot with loving a person, contrary to what people believe. Not just because I don’t allow myself to be in relationships it means that I didn’t have relationships at all. Some are even worth more than what people have, emotionally and physically. Some are even longer in time. I just don’t see the point in dwelling. I will in my own way—when nobody’s looking, when nobody’s around, I will deal with it. Even if people don’t see my tears, it doesn’t mean that I don’t cry. I do, inside. That’s the most I can do. I feel like trash most of the time, but that’s all there is to it. I’m Yella. And this emotional shit isn’t my thing. I know that I’m the one who’s supposed to be smug, but I aint happy, that’s why let’s just stick to the smug part.

To you, who has broken the wall I put before me to shield me from hurt, who has come in and let me feel alive again, who has spent most of the time trying to show me what it was to be happy, who taught me that it’s okay to be wrong sometimes, who looked at me like I’m the only one in that room, who tried everything just to make me see that sometimes love can be worth it, who patiently endured me despite, who failed to wait for me to realize he was the one, whose security and assurances weren’t enough, who gave up on me and finally broke me yet again…thank you…at least I felt human for that past year and a half, feeling all sorts of things I never thought I would…sorry…I never intended to screw things up for expecting to much of you and yet refusing to give anything in return…and goodbye…there’s really nothing I would change from what happened between us and what we had, it did mean something to me but you weren’t enough for the both of us, I wasn’t either, it's time to stop fooling myself that i could still hang on to this, it’s over, and it would be easier for me to accept that if I erase you completely from my life…

There’s no more going back.

i look into your eyes and know that everything is true...-peppermouth

He called me Ana. The other one, baby. But I like best the one who just looked at me.

I mean really, what do they want from me? All of them. This one said he likes my brain. The other one likes the way my lips move. What do they mean? What do I mean to them anyway? It’s like being told of who you are and making you wonder for a split second, “am I really that being?” It’s pathetic how people around you try to define who you are in terms they would want to see you. I hate it. The minute I show them who I really am, they get scared, and they walk away. They leave me. Sometimes I begin to think I’m not as good as they expect me to be, the very reason why they don’t stay. It’s like I’m not enough for them. When in reality, they are the ones who don’t suffice the longing that I have for a real person to bear with me in whatever. I thought it was easy, I mean, all I’m asking for is that they be who they are and that they let me be. Apparently, it’s the hardest thing on earth. As much as I don’t want to believe, it’s how things go. Not the way I want them to be. So all of them end up disappointing me.

It offends me. The way they try to own me. At the same time making me feel I’m not worth it. It makes me sick to the stomach I want to hurl. That’s why I push them away. Very far from me. I don’t need them. I own me. If there’s one person I felt a hint of something real, it’s from the one who just looked. Never stared, just looked. And breathed silently as i talk. He was real back then. Back when I didn’t want to believe. Back when all I know of were lies. But he wasn’t. So I thought, if he was real, then he must be worth it. Then I let it slip, thinking he’ll always be there. I let him slip. That one true thing in my life. That one person in my life who held it all together. Gone now.

Now I’m back to this superficiality. The way I look, the way I touch my hair, the way I speak, the way I smile, the way I move, they all mean something. When in reality, they don’t really matter. The things which don’t matter even just a bit. Back when I had him looking at me. Back when he was real.

10 weeks into lawschool

whew. just a rundown of the week that's been. a little bit crazy, fun, a little less eventful, and definitely tiresome.

monday...hrm...we didn't have Bib, as usual...then we had Persons, as usual din, haha! i was really, really tinatamad to go to class, but well, i had to for fear of being called and getting a 5. when i come to think of it, Persons class is one of the easiest to go through. i mean, the fact that the professor tells us what we'll have every meeting and the fact that we ALREADY know how that person can be, iono, ruthless, it makes it very, very predictable- you get called, if asked about the codal, cite it completely and say what Tolentino said, if the professor asked something out of this world, don't speak, when the professor gets mad, just stare poker-faced...if asked to recite a case, well that should be easy, a few facts and the issue, then the held, those are all there is to it, at least for that class...hay...at the end of the day, i'm still constipated, i always say "feeling ko tatawagin ako ngayon, shit, di pa naman ako nakapag-aral..." but no, i don't get called...at least, when i anticipate i will...teehee...

tuesday...woah! Consti and Crim, and yeah, good, i'm sleepy. i was in school at freaking 7am...and my fucking class is at 10 pa...pero well, it's okay, i've 3 hours to cram, GOOD. but noooooooooooooooooooooo!!! while we were desperately trying to come up with the summary, and talking about acquiescence-acquiescence, kuya jun comes with a smirk and say, at 9am, "4-6 nalang daw class nyo...*smirk*smug smirk*smirksmirk*SMIRK*" i swear it was a smirk mocking us...haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! fucking 4-6pm?! i go, "tito romy, i think he's being Mr. Marcos, i refuse to acquiesce!" then tito romy goes, "we can't do anything, it's the power differential thing." shit. i mean, i really love this class, but hey, 4-6 when it's supposed to be at 830?! i have a life. o_O edel came rushing in the room, and then i told her our class was moved, she looked like spongebob staring at gary...haha, her hair wasn't dry yet, uncombed, and her jacket was kinda distorted, halatang nagmadali, and her car keys were dangling in her fingers, katawa kasi she doesn't drive talaga, when i saw the car keys, wahaha halatang na-haggard for class but no, wala naman pala...haha...so we went nalang to katipunan, lagi naman eh, to bucks, i tried to study for History nalang cuz iont feel like going to Consti class na...then we had lunch, then off to Crim...wow! Crim was, was, the way it always was...*zZzZzZ* haha, take the hint! oh! eto funny, every Crim kasi jat looks like nagpapa-cute kay sir, eh kamusta naman he's a guy! so every Crim i try to check if he has that pa-cute look, but no, nahuli ako! hrR. tawa tuloy ng tawa si giulia, nangengelam daw kasi ako! after class, uwi nako! yaw ko na pumasok...jat goes, "san kayo? di na kayo papasok?", anton goes, "tuesday next week nalang kayo mag-cut", eva goes, "ako din gusto ko na mag-cut!"...haha! in a couple of minutes, kooky, bap, and i were waiting for our orders na in Teriyaki Boy, hay, sloth na nga, glutton pa, tsk tsk tsk... ;p when i came home, i slept for a while...tas i texted jat and asked what happened in Consti, ang reply ba naman "i forgot already! yey!" ay, napaka-useful noh? haha, he called, ayun, wala daw History blah blah, buti nalang! haha! :)

wednesday...no History, yay! hehe :D i forgot na the rest. haha! kid! we had Persons in the morning, it was cool, i got called, and it wasn't bad at all, actually i would say i deserve GOOD credit for that recit, although, one case lang yun, so iono, bahala na si batman! then we off to block lunch, goody! :) after that, we had one round, then off to the movies with bry, kooky, and rache...but no, My Super Ex-girlfriend isn't as super as we thought...boooriiiiiing...went home, TRIED to study Consti, but no, i slept again...tsS..you-know-who kept calling, what'd i do, left my Sun phone in the car...nyahahaha!!! :D really, i don't have time for his crap. i've too much to deal with already...i can't waste time on some stupid game where i know i'd lose either way...sad but well, LAWSCHOOL is a pretty much good excuse for anything...haha! :D

thursday...the usual torture in Consti, no Crim, and haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Method...i really can't take this class, it's too much already that i really don't have any idea what we're studying, but i had to have this aversion against the professor, i mean, dude, you can't always get your way unless you're THE professor...he wanted us to talk, now i'm talking, the thing is, when you don't agree with him, he'll just say, "that's tautological" and then turn away and go talk to somebody else...how about arguing squarely?! you know that? i don't think so...then fine, i'll refuse to take that singko, demmit! seesh...the frustration...after the class, we just laugh about the fact that we're now officially the mean girls of I-A...haha! i waited for bap and charls, had dinner and a round in Chiggy's, then got coffee in Bucks, *Choco cream java chip blah blah is sooooo bad :(* then went back to UP to meet up with seth and bags...hay...

there...the week that's been...friday, saturday, sunday, and monday, will be and should be STUDYING FOR PERSONS MIDTERMS...hehe! :D when i look back to those 4 days, i can't explain why i'm so stressed when i didn't accomplish pretty much anything...weird...

just received a text from jeanne, "sometimes i wish i could go back. back to when the only man in my life was my dad, my only bestfriend was my mom, and anything could be healed with a band aid and lollipop"...this is so true...when you're a kid, you really really want to grow up...but when you ARE grown up, you suddenly miss the hassle-free life of a five-year old...geez...like now, i'm not really sure if i'd stay in law, i mean, i won't quit, i really like this, but what if it wants nothing to do with me...what if i flunk? that would, i don't know, render me clueless of what i'll be doing for the rest of my life...haaaaay...maybe the exam on tuesday would define it...let's just see...

erm...IA? :)

The girls...and well Jat looking Korean and even prettier than us, howsaboutthat?!

just about, ahm, half of the block? cool people...really!

okay, this i really can't explain...we're in law school and yet, ahm, oh never mind!

oh, with the girls yet again...haha, jat and chris, our bets...*wink*

Thursday Club: (from left-right, bottom-top) Monch, Kiyo, Yella, Eva, Kooky, Giulia, Chris, Rean, and Bryan...ang daming wala sa pic...more funny, crazy, incriminating, and definitely complete pics to follow...c/o Giulia...teehee! ;p

chinichini...

okay, i just realized that my last post was my 100th...and it's rather, ahm, overwhelming with bitterness...haha! but what the heck, i'm really pissed...up till now actually...it's just good that i've got more important stuff to worry about, and a lot of other reasons to get preoccupied...

he texted yesterday as if nothing happened...i hate it...and maybe for the first time ever, i can say without fidgettting here, that i can't do our thing anymore...it's too emotionally draining for me...and i can't attend to that right now...maybe confrontation doesn't work for me, it hasn't ever, why would it with him? i'm good at taking flight, just leaving...i'd do the same right now...maybe i'm not strong enough to face him and tell it to him right in the face, so i'd rather just not talk, and just go away...

thanks to my blockmates, the thursday club...wahehe! we had one of this thursday inuman and bam! i'm back to my insane-sane state...haha!

me and my crazy life...tsS...

it's a goner...he's a goner.

crap.

crap.

crappy.

crap.

i hate this feeling.

i don't lose. i always win.

you better watch out. i'm gonna hit you where it will hurt most, and boy, you'll never forget me.

you're gonna get it from me. i swear. i swear. you don't just go and beat yella in her own game. damn you don't. i'm gonna get right back at you. swear.

life sucks.

three weeks and counting...

wuuuh...i noticed that i only get to post during weekends...hah! that's more often than i thought i would be able to do...haha...

yes, yes, it's my car-wash-go-to-salon-and-get-pedicure-and-spa day...wahoo!!! :)

this week seemed to just breeze off...i mean, monday was so-so aside from that irritating thing-a-magig with you know who which i don't want to delve in, IM SORRY, not worth my time...then tuesday, i wasn't able to go to school, bad case of flu...wednesday was so-so, forced myself to go to class, i got called for recit, and well, i slept and didn't study for my class the following day...but yahoo! thursday was party day, i mean, tambay, we didn't have consti, wala ring crim, oh, and well, there's still method but what the heck...it's a mall day for my block, twas pretty cool we get to hangout like that...we went to gateway for (supposedly) a movie, but then again we ended up just having lunch, ang funny parang soiree...half of us were girls, the other half were boys, tas we weren't kasha sa table so may segregation talaga...totally different talk yung sa table ng girls from the boys...then one of my blockmates made hirit to my other blockmate "uy, seven minutes in heaven tayo mamaya ha!" so highschool!!! after lunch we were just strolling then, then, the girls went "oooooooh!!! sale sa MANGO!!!" and then the boys go "oh.my.god." ayun, they looked like a dozen of boyfriends waiting on their girlfriends while shopping...haha! when we got back to school, a couple of boys went inuman pa, seesh. party thursday it is...

so today, i'veta study cuz tomorrow is another party saturday...i realized that lawschool is just a structured undergrad week...i mean, nung undergrad kasi, que sera sera when it comes to studying and partying...in lawschool, you study hard, but you play harder...the whole week is spent with books and cases, come weekend, screw it na...really...ano ba naman yung weekly na atang partying?! but it's cool...i mean, at least we get to unwind, yun nga lang, WAG MAGPAPA-ULAN SA JAMAICAN-y INUMAN-CUM-ACQUAINTANCE PARTY KASI MAS IMPORTANTE ANG CONSTI KESA SA SAKIT NG ULO...haha!

seesh. the things i learn.